Serving My Prison Sentence

Have you ever been charged with a crime you never intended to commit? I have. It’s all the years of being ignorant and falling prey to my own insecurities. It’s been something I’ve struggled with from the ninth grade and had been killing me (almost literally), ever since.

My insecurities formed a fortress around me. It’s impenetrable and is very dark. It’s my survival mechanism to block out negativity. I have to say it’s strong because it closed me in for all these years and now I’m busting out of it.  I have grown much more receptive to feedback from others and I realize that it can only get me down if I let it take me down. In essence, I am at peace with myself and others outside my fortress.

I think about who I am, what I’ll be and how others perceive me quite frequently. Sure, I can always toss anyone the middle finger and go about my ways, but I’ve realized that it’s unhealthy to do that. And this isn’t saying that I necessarily care about my critics – it’s how I care about me.

It takes very little to convince myself to do something. Show me some data, some anecdotes and some real-life examples and I am usually sold. Why I haven’t done anything despite how I more or less understand how the human body works is beyond me. It’s ignorance at its finest.

I’m serving a life sentence for my improprieties with my diet, with my physical activity, with my perception and with my impulsiveness. I’m being imprisoned with what I feel, how I look and how I conduct myself, and my opportunities for personal growth.

This is unfair. I never asked for this. I never wanted this.

But if I ever expect to be freed from this incarceration, I better formulate an escape plan. That moment starts now. I am committed to break out of this prison to liberate myself from… myself. I want people to see the real me; I want people to see strength; I want people to see someone who takes an interest in himself. Right now, I don’t think they see that – because I sure don’t.

I’ll admit that living the life of impulse is one that induces regret and fear. I am fearful. I am fearful that I can’t escape. I am fearful that I won’t deliver. I am fearful I will let myself down and become even more hurt. I won’t let that happen. I can’t let that happen. I am a man of commitment who follows through on everything I say (or write). That’s my legacy.

So, here’s the escape plan.

I will start with a better diet. I won’t be going completely off the wall and be eating grass for snacks, but it will be paying closer attention to what I put in my body. It’s the basics that I’ve eliminated – anything greasy, fried or otherwise post-processed and infused with preservatives. Doing away with highly complex sugars like corn syrup, high fructose and all that other garbage will render an outcome. That’s why natural sugars are better – our body is designed to metabolize it right away. Otherwise, it gets confused and just converts it into lipids and packs it on somewhere.

I will exercise regularly. I lied to myself when I said I don’t have time. Combining two thoughts – the one from Gary Vaynerchuk that he wrote in Crush It about hustling from 5-9 (PM) for entrepreneurs and the one from Jay Baer about the bullshit reasons why people say they “don’t have time” made me realize I actually do have time. I just need to prioritize it. Perhaps instead of watching my TiVo queue nightly, I let that build up and I go out and I run around the neighborhood. I usually am gone for about an hour and that’s not too much of a slice out of my “busy” nights. I’m shooting for three days cardio and one day strength training weekly. I know this might be aggressive, but trust me, I’ve earned it.

I will listen to my own biofeedback. Pain is good. Philosophically speaking, without pain, there is no pleasure. Pain is weakness leaving the body, right? But I won’t overdo it. I will continue to challenge myself, just beyond where I am comfortable. Both physiologically as well as mentally – this is the fun stuff. This is the same reason why you’d race your car at the quarter-mile is to challenge yourself, your reaction times to the lights, your focus, your coordination as your run through your gears. Likewise, I am putting myself on the track and I need to drop my track times down, so to speak – but without red-lighting, either.

If nothing else, if I don’t drop a pound or an inch, I will be completely satisfied with myself for following through. Alas, I know that through dropping my caloric intake and expending it in excess, it has to come from somewhere on my body. And I guess that’s what matters with anything in life is making a commitment and delivering on it. 100 percent, no less.

I write this testimony not out of pity or to compel you to feel bad for me. It’s the opposite. I write this because I trust you and this is how I therapeutically share what’s on my mind. I write this because I’m proud of myself and not sharing this with you would only question my integrity.

My fit blog is back on. I picked up on it where I left off, “Intermission.” It’s where I’ll share more of the intraday updates on my fitness. It’s serving as my own journal – not much is on there, but if you’re a stalker, here you go.

Tagged as: Challenge, fitblogging, fitness, getfit, health, Motivation, Personal